Because the news cycle never sleeps, but we wish it would.

Edition · 7:00 PM UTC

Monday, August 31, 2026

30 sarcastic headlines, curated by AI from the day's wire. Click any headline to read the original story at the source.

Politics ★ 5 stories

Tech ★ 5 stories

World ★ 5 stories

Congress: Back for More Theatre.
Original: House lawmakers return to Capitol Hill as Republicans hope to pass stopgap spending bill – live
The Guardian World 2h ago

Business ★ 5 stories

Thirty is the new extortion.
Original: My friend is charging everyone $80 to attend her 30th birthday party. She says it’s to cover the open bar. Is it rude to not go?
MarketWatch 2h ago
Retiring? Let’s See Who Dies First.
Original: ‘I’m leaving money on the table’: I’m 64 and my husband is 70. Should I take spousal benefits or wait for my own?
MarketWatch 2h ago

Entertainment ★ 5 stories

Texas: Still Stuck on Repeat.
Original: ‘Choosin’ Texas’ is Now the Second Longest Running Number One Single on the Hot 100
Rolling Stone 2h ago

Sports ★ 5 stories