Because the news cycle never sleeps, but we wish it would.

Edition · 1:00 AM UTC

Friday, June 12, 2026

30 sarcastic headlines, curated by AI from the day's wire. Click any headline to read the original story at the source.

Politics ★ 5 stories

Seashells and Broken Promises.
Original: WATCH: Trump signs proclamation opening more protected ocean areas to commercial fishing
PBS NewsHour Politics 3h ago
Freedom's Briefly On Sale.
Original: Surveillance program set to expire as Congress rejects FISA extension
PBS NewsHour Politics 3h ago

Tech ★ 5 stories

Your Tech Just Owns You Now.
Original: Why You Might Already Own SpaceX Shares, Siri’s AI Makeover, and Knicks Owner’s Surveillance Machine
Wired 2h ago

World ★ 5 stories

Australia's Policy: Now With Added Oligarchy.
Original: Australia news live: Pauline Hanson says she consults her ‘friend’ Gina Rinehart on policy; Australian billionaire fails to unseat Victoria’s Secret chair
The Guardian World 1h ago
Iran Just Saved You a Trip to Dubai.
Original: Middle East crisis live: Iran reportedly prevents tanker crossing strait of Hormuz as Trump claims peace deal to be signed ‘very soon’
The Guardian World 1h ago

Business ★ 5 stories

Sure thing. Here's a rewrite:
Original: Social Security insolvency is ‘entirely solvable,’ says commissioner under Biden
MarketWatch 2h ago

Entertainment ★ 5 stories

Sports ★ 5 stories